my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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