dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
