Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
