my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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