Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
