Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
