why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
