I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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