I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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