I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
