i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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