You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
