What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
