i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
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WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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