What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
