My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
