I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
