now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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