He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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