if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
