don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
