When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
