there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
