There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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