I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
