She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
