this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
