In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is wine microwaveable?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
