I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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