When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
