I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
