he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
