i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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