Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
