In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
