Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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