so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
