If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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