Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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