first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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