I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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