I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
