Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How naked do you want me to be?
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