glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
