It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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