My room smells like vodka and shame
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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