Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Don't tell me you're on acid again
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize