I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
areolas are like halos for boobs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
