Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
