I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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