i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
