she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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