yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
