Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
