You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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