there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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