i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
