How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
